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Who is Raising Our Children?

"Behold, children are a gift of the LORD; the fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3

by Marsha Norris

Editor of "Faith Lift Newsletter"

If you ask most young girls today what they want to be when they grow up, chances are a "mother" will not be at the top of their list. They will probably say they plan to "work children in" at some point, but most likely careers or pursuit of advanced degrees will be their first choice. Being a mother, many feel, is something secondary. Isn't that what day-care centers are for? Besides, society today expects women to work and considers them lazy if they don't (even though staying home and raising children is a much harder and more rewarding job). As for sending our children to day-care centers and pre-schools, they've been told it is the only way children can be properly socialized.

From the time I was a young girl, my foremost desire was to grow up, get married, and have children. Looking back, I can't help but wonder if this desire was due to my strong maternal instinct, the circumstances of my childhood, or a combination of both.

My father died when I was seven, leaving my mother with three small children to raise. We moved in with my grandmother, who cared for us so our mother could work. Granny, a godly woman, was our anchor -- the one unchangeable entity in our lives. Granny had never learned to drive, so she was always home -- usually sewing, baking cakes, and making homemade biscuits. No matter where we went, or how long we stayed, we always knew Granny would be there when we returned home. Granny was our security.

Back then, few mothers worked outside the home. Most of my friends lived in a traditional family where the mom stayed home and cared for the children, and the father went to work. How I envied them! And at the age of seven, I knew that when I grew up, got married, and had children, I would do everything in my power to be a "stay-at-home" mom and make motherhood my career.

In the intervening years, I have experienced child rearing from both the child's and mother's perspective. Not only did I grow up having a mother who worked outside the home, I have also been a stay-at-home mom, had my own day-care business, and been a single mom who had to work. I would like to share with you what I have learned from these experiences.

Growing up with a working mom:
Since my mother was widowed, her circumstances of having to work were beyond her control. My brother, sister, and I were blessed to live with a grandmother who loved us and was willing to care for us, even though she had already raised nine children of her own. Did it make up for not having a stay-at-home mom? No! Mother was not available to attend many functions we were part of. She was tired when she got home and did not have the emotional or physical resources to give us. But she did not choose this lifestyle.

Being a stay-at-home mom:
I was 23 when my daughter was born. Her dad was in graduate school and we were poor. We had one car, lived in student housing, and were struggling to make ends meet. Determined to stay at home and raise my little girl, I cared for children of other mothers who worked outside the home. The money wasn't as much as I would have made had I returned to my pre-child career, but the emotional satisfaction for me and my daughter was priceless!!! No amount of money can ever match being home all day to hear your child say her first words, watch her take her first steps, hold her when she is sick, play with her, read to her, teach her, and to just be there for her.

Several years later, my second child was born; we moved to the Washington D.C. area where the cost of living was much higher. There was no way we could make it on one income -- not if we wanted to eat. So I started a home day-care business that continued for the next eight years. What is it like for children in day care? Being a day-care provider, I not only saw the daily challenges working mothers face, but I also saw day care through their children's eyes. Most children were awakened early, hurriedly dressed and fed, and rushed to the car for the ride to my house. My first child arrived at 6:30, often still sleepy, and having spent little "positive time" with his mother. The mother was too focused on getting herself and her child dressed, fed, and out the door. (Children in day care have to constantly transition from one environment to another and one care giver to another. This is stressful for all children, more for some than others.) The evening hours rarely allowed much one-on-one time between mother and child either -- other than bath time and maybe a bedtime story.

Although my mothers knew they were not to bring a sick child to my house, they sometimes tried to slip around this rule so they wouldn't have to cancel an important meeting, business trip, or miss a final exam at their college. After the mother left, I would discover the child was running a fever or had persistent diarrhea. And as I rocked these children or held them and read to them, their eyes would search mine as if to say, "Sick children want their mothers, not their day- care providers!"

Many of the mothers whose children I kept did not have to work. They chose to work so they could have "things": a second car, a bigger house, family vacations, etc. They had convinced themselves that it was more important to give "material things" to their children than to give of themselves. Ironically, after subtracting the added expenses for working moms such as day care, a second car, gas, clothes for work, fast food and eating out (since there is less time to cook), doctor's visits and medication (children in day care are sick more often than those who stay at home), added taxable income, etc., I doubt most mothers cleared more than a couple of dollars an hour.

Some mothers worked because they had gone to college and earned a degree. They felt they would be cheating society and wasting their degrees if they didn't join the work force and contribute their knowledge. Others worked (they confided) because they felt they would go nuts staying home all day with their kids or believed working outside the home actually enabled them to be a better mother. And of course I wondered why they had bothered to have children at all. But to some, kids are a status symbol, something society expects you to produce. Never mind who is going to nurture them, if anyone.

Children don't wait:
One of the greatest joys of motherhood for me has been watching my children's daily development. Not only being there for their first steps and first words, but most of all being there everyday to teach them my values and raise them the way I wanted them raised. Children don't wait! We cannot sit them in a corner and expect them to stagnate until we have time for them. They are learning everyday from the people they spend the most time with; and the children in my day-care home learned more from me than from their parents.

On being a single, working mom:
When I was 42 and my youngest child was 7, I became a single mom. I thank the LORD I was able to be home with my son during his pre-school years: to teach him, play with him, take him on walks, read to him, talk about GOD, comfort him when he was sick, and to show him how much I loved him. Because love is an action word -- even when it is just sitting quietly and holding a child when he is sick or needs to snuggle.

Things had changed. I became the mother rushing her child to get dressed, eat his breakfast, and hurry to the car. And I hated it! I saw the stress it created in his own world and how it robbed us of those former carefree and unhurried times. When he was 12 he had pneumonia and was sick for 3 weeks. I still remember how frantic I felt trying to juggle things so I could meet my responsibilities at work and still care for him. (Working mothers do not take sick leave for themselves; they save it, and often their vacation time, to use for their sick children.) Not even the eight years I had spent as a day-care provider had prepared me for what I now was experiencing: the price was even higher than I had thought it would be!

My son is now 17 and a fine young man. I was able to quit work and be a stay-at- home mom again when he was 14. (Teenagers need their moms at home too.) We survived those difficult years, but not without battle scars. For him the battle scars are mostly emotional; for me emotional and physical. For although I felt I was doing a fairly good job of meeting his needs and keeping up with my job, I have found the years of stress have taken a toll on my health. Constant stress can break down the adrenal glands and weaken the immune system. Staying in a constant state of "fight or flight" in order to cover all bases will eventually catch up with all of us.

For children, love is spelled T-I-M-E!
Someone has said that the "quality time" we spend with our children is more important than the "quantity time." A working mother must have invented this phrase, because any stay-at-home mom will tell you that you cannot plan "Kodak Moments." They just happen because you are there. This is especially true with teenagers. The only "quality" time is "quantity" time.

So who is raising our children?
The first four or five years of a child's life are the most crucial for teaching values. The people our children spend "quantity" time with influence our children the most. Once they are off to kindergarten, much is out of our control. Their values are in place and hard to change.

GOD has a blueprint for the family. In Titus 2:4-5, mothers are told to love their husbands, love their children, and to be workers at home. GOD knows that the most important work we will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes. And though He designated fathers to be the head of the home, He gave mothers a much higher calling: to be the heart of the home. I realize some of you reading this article have no choice but to work. Your hearts are heavy because you truly want to be stay-at-home moms. I empathize with you. My advice is to stay on your knees and seek the LORD's constant guidance in your life and in your children's lives. When you are home with your child, make him your top priority. Enlist his help in doing what must be done around the house so you can spend time together. Make games out of these chores and adventures out of your errands. There will be times when you must choose whether to mop the kitchen floor or read your child a book. Forget the floor! Hold your child close in your arms and make a memory.

But some of you do have a choice. Somewhere along the way, your priorities have gotten skewed and now you feel trapped. I encourage you to seek the LORD's guidance in re-evaluating your lifestyle. If there is anyway you can make it on your husband's income alone, do it. Even if it means moving to a smaller house or apartment or having only one car. And if you are finding it hard to give up your job because you feel your work benefits others, ask yourself this, "Does my working outside the home benefit my child, give him security, instill Godly values in him, and strengthen our relationship?"

Women have been duped by the media. We have been told that we can have it all: a career and a family. Yes, we can have it all, but we can't do a first-rate job at both. Either our job or our children will be short changed. And most likely it will be our children.

The legacy we leave our children:
How do we want our children to remember us? As successful professionals or as loving, nurturing mothers who were always there for them and emotionally available? The legacy we leave our children will be determined by our priorities and how we spend our time.

Working moms, tonight while your child is sleeping, kneel by his bed and study his face. Think about the legacy you wish to leave him. And if there is anyway possible, quit your jobs and make your family your career -- because children don't wait.

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Note from Marsha Norris (Editor of Faith Lift): If you are looking for ways to save money so you can stay at home, visit these two web sites: http://www.strecher.com and http://www.miserlymoms.com.

Christian Teens Speak Out....About Their Parents

Article from "Faith Lift Newsletter"

"How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding." Proverbs 3:13

• "They have taught me to put GOD first in all things, to never say anything bad about anyone or call anyone names, and to help other people out whenever I can. Who knows, it might be me who needs help someday! Plus, they love us kids, compliment us, and help us when we have moral problems with friends, family, and acquaintances. Our family has gone through a lot together, and yet we're still movin' on!"
  
  
• "My parents actually are doing two very good things. One is being an example to me and showing how a Christian is supposed to act and raising me in a Christian home. The other is that they trust me. Trust is a big thing in a relationship that you have to earn, and I am glad that my parents trust me."
  
  
• "My parents have shown me and taught me to love GOD. In doing this, I have learned moral values and rules to live by in life. My parents also haven't given me everything I have ever wanted. They provided me with what I needed and sometimes more, but they have taught me that you have to work for what you want in this life."
  
  
• "I feel that my parents have allowed me to make my own decisions based upon what they have taught me in the past. They realized that they wouldn't have me hanging around them forever; so when I became of a proper age, they began to let me have more freedom in the decision-making process to prepare me for the real world ahead of me."
  
  
• "I feel that my parents did a lot of things right in raising me. There are many areas, but the one that has affected me the most is their raising me in the church. I remember them telling me, when I was younger, that they wanted to raise me like the Bible instructs parents to raise their children; and now that I am grown, I feel they did a good job in abiding by what it says.
  
  "I also think one of the most important things they instilled in me is RESPONSIBILITY. This coupled with a gradual release into the real world. I feel that they have taught me that ‘me, myself, and I' are responsible for my actions, whether great or small. I remember my dad telling me many times in my life, ‘You are not looking past the tip of your nose!' Only here recently, in college, have I come to the realization that I actually wasn't. I was too centered on immediate gratification and not focusing on what lay ahead if I made a decision. In other words, recently I have come to understand that my dad really does have some wisdom in what he's saying. I guess it took separation from him to realize how much of an impact he had in my life, and the more I think about it, the more I live here at school, the more I see myself thinking like he does."
  
  
• "From the time my sisters and I were little, I can remember having daily family devotions. This increased my passion for the LORD."
  
  
• "Well, lots of things. So, let's begin. My parents have set high standards for me to follow, and they expect me to reach them. If I don't, then I am told that I have not met them, and that usually makes me want to straighten out. They give me advice about many things, especially about the opposite sex lately, even if I don't want to hear it. One thing I really like is how my mom gives me what she calls ‘buzz words' to use in discussions, especially discussions concerning my beliefs and how to defend them."
  
  
• "My parents have been really good about letting me make more and more of my decisions as I've gotten older. At this point, I make all of them on my own and I think I'll be more than ready, in this respect, when I go to college next fall. When I make mistakes, they've always let me suffer the consequences. And as annoying as it often is, they make sure I know what I could have done differently."

• "Hmm, well, they could listen first, instead of automatically saying ‘NO' whenever we ask to do something or go somewhere. I think that's just a normal ‘parent' response anyhow. But that's not often a problem. They are wonderful and have raised us well."
  
  
• "They could give me some more freedom, but I don't think that would be really beneficial to me in the long run. Someone outside of my family would probably be a better judge of where my parents need improvement. I think they are doing an ok job right now."
  
  
• "I think my parents could use some improvement in the worry department. They shouldn't worry about some of the stuff they do; it seems a little petty. Although this would look like I am bashing them on lack of trust or faith in the LORD, I'm not; but they should just leave what can't be controlled up to the One who is in control."
  
  
• "Sometimes my parents aren't always listening to what I'm saying. They don't give me the chance to explain my side; and when they do, I feel that they don't always take what I've said, consider it, and then give me an answer."
  
  
• "In letting go. I think they need to realize that we are going to make mistakes, and that we might even fall on our rear ends doing so. And if we do fall down that they should not try to rescue us, but instead let us try to get ourselves out of our own messes. (Actually, the only one who really has a problem with this is Dad...but you don't know that)."
  
  
• "What I wish is that my dad could have been home more then he was; with the Marines, he really didn't have time to spend with us."
  
  
• "Of course all good parents have a gray area that they don't quite excel at. One area that I want to change when I have my own children is how much time I spend with them. I don't really feel that my dad got to watch me grow up. While I was growing, he was always working or doing something with work. Looking back, I don't remember one time him having time to pass the football with me or show me how to shave. I taught myself how to shave, how to throw a football (which I may add I can't do very well at all), how to roller blade... the list goes on. When I have kids, I want them to feel comfortable enough to come and talk to me about anything. I don't feel that I have that kind of relationship with my dad, which I wish I did. When I am pushed far enough to talk to him about anything, there is usually not much sympathy on his part, because he is engulfed in his work, or his mind is centered on other things than the fact that I am trying to talk to him. I guess I would change his listening skills.
  
  "For my mom, I know she loves me and all, but I sometimes feel that she tries too hard to show me that she loves me. She has shown me that she loves me in many ways: by washing my clothes for me, being there when I got home from school, making dinner, all the little things, and that's why I love her. But in the way of improving, I think she needs to try and cut back a little in trying so hard to show me. She's spent my whole life showing me, now its time for her to rest and time for me to show her."
  
  
• "I know that my parents really, really trust me, and I am so grateful that they do. But because of this explicit trust, they never question me about anything. And that bothers me because even though I love the LORD and want to always do what is right, just knowing that my parents would question me on where I've been or what I've done might sometime save me from my own humanness in a moment of weakness."
  
  
• "The one thing that has really bothered me is that my parents have different rules. Something that's okay with one probably won't be with the other. Also, there's a serious religious difference that causes a lot of turmoil. I hate the fact that my dad seems to want to erode my beliefs."

Note from Marsha Norris (Editor of Faith Lift):
Often during the child-rearing years, we struggle with setting appropriate boundaries, releasing our children, and letting them make their own decisions and suffer the consequences of those decisions. How wonderful to see that these teens have learned from our mistakes as well as our successes. Do we have the wisdom to learn from them?

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