"I had known all along that it was not a good relationship for me to be in, yet I clung to it, somehow hoping that my gut feeling was mistaken."
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The Gift Behind the Door |
by Kathy Deringer
I had heard of surreal moments before, and this was to be one of them for me. It is a feeling I never want to have again. As my foot stomped the gas pedal, I was barely aware of the speed at which I was traveling, or the street signs as they approached me. What I did feel was the warmth of my tears as they ran down my face, and the trembling of my hands on the steering wheel. It was to be a pivotal moment in my life and in my heart I knew this. Though at the time, the pain gripped me more than the reality of the closure that I was about to experience.
I will never forget the tightness in my chest as I approached that closed door, fully knowing what I was about to see behind it. They say, "Be careful what you pray for, as you might get it." My constant prayer had been for an answer about what to do in yet another relationship that was not getting me to my godly destination. I had known all along that it was not a good relationship for me to be in, yet I clung to it, somehow hoping that my gut feeling was mistaken.
His face is still etched in my mind. It was a face of utter disbelief, shame, and remorse. I had sensed earlier that day, along with many other days, that there was "more to the story than what he had been telling me". It had become a somewhat common practice for me to get instincts that would end up being right on target. This one time, I had hoped and even prayed I was wrong. As I entered that dark room, I saw there silhouettes sleeping side by side. I guess I had been spared the awful scene of what was occurring previous to that. All I could think to say first was ,"Oh, this is nice," in a sarcastic tone that covered my deep hurt. As he jumped up, startled and shocked by my presence, I was quickly guided out of the room and to the front steps of his house.
Earlier that day, we had cried together as he poured his heart out to me and spoke of the deep feelings he had for me. My eyes still carried the puffiness of lasting tears. I wanted to believe all that he had to say, and that we could finally have a loving, honest, and trusting relationship together. I had mildly suspected him before of seeing someone else, but I guess I was too busy believing his stories about spending time with "the guys" instead of me. I had actually felt proud of myself that I had let him have so much freedom since I had held the reigns so tightly in previous relationships. I had felt that this time I was going to do a different thing and be totally trusting, loving, and unselfish. My journal still holds the many entries of my radiating joy at a "new way of being."
I stood there over his stooped body as he sat on the step, his head hung cupped in his hands. For the first time in our relationship, I said words that I had never thought I would say. Mean words, angry words, words of utter disappointment and shock. I said those words mainly for him rather than myself. I wanted my words to hurt like daggers and leave wounds that would stay fresh for years to come. I had already known what I would find behind that door, and somehow that had given me a peace about it. Had I not been prepared, I fear what I might have done. I am a Christian. This is a title I do not take lightly, though in this relationship, I had let my human desires far outweigh what I knew in my heart was right for me. Standing there that evening I was a human with human faults and actions. Leaving there that night was a Christian woman with a sense of closure and peace that had been a constant prayer and had finally been answered.
It was 1:00 in the morning, and I knew that I could not go home. The thought of my being alone, revisiting every moment of that awful event, was too much to bear. It is in these moments that we truly know who our friends are. No sooner did I knock on Pam’s door, did it open with her husband Joe in worried wonder of my arrival. I asked if I might see her, to which he set me on the couch to await her. In less than a minute she was scrambling out to see me, while still tying the knot in her robe and combing through her hair. We have always shared an instant awareness with each other. She knew in a second the reason for my visit. I did not even need to open my mouth. We had spoken on the phone earlier that evening, and when we hung up, she said she had known that my evening was not over yet. She had also suspected his deceit and had hoped that she too was mistaken.
My body heaved with sobs as she hugged me close and listened with deep regret. My tears formed a wide stain on her white robe as she too cried tears of sadness for me. She brought me tea as we spoke into the morning hours. She shared with me her visions of what God had in store for me and that I was being given a gift. This gift was the often painful, yet ultimately fulfilling, clearing away of the parts of my life that were not a positive factor of my ultimate journey. She, as well as I, had known for years that God had a major plan for my life. I had not been blessed with my many talents, had it not been for a divine purpose. We both knew that I was eventually to use my singing, writing, and speaking skills to fulfill a great plan which I had felt since I was a child. I guess it was due to my tragic and painful childhood, that I kept finding myself repeating patterns of neglect in each of my dating relationships. It was now time finally to take a break from these relationships, and to learn to have a relationship with myself, and with God. Though I did not want to be alone, we both knew it was time.
I slept on her couch that night, as she covered me with a blanket and gave me one final hug and word of encouragement. I watched as she left the room and a painful sadness swept over me once again. I knew that I was meant to be alone. Maybe not forever, but for now. This event had been the final proof that I had needed to help me step beyond my comfort zone and into a new world of riches that I had yet to experience. My many stories of heartache, pain, and disappointment would eventually heal the hearts of so many other hurting people. My songs of hope and words of encouragement would not only help them, but ultimately help me as well.
There is a divine plan for each one of us. It is a journey that we will hopefully find within this short lifetime. There are lessons to learn and valleys to cross, and ultimately it does get us where we need to be. We can then look back on the many painful events and life lessons and know that they were put there by God to teach us about love and about life. We will keep repeating those same lessons and paying the deep consequences until we finally learn them. It is because of His great love for us that we are each handed these "crosses to bear" in the hope that we will eventually seek better choices for ourselves and fulfill our missions in life.
I cannot say that I will not fail again or that I will not venture occasionally to points of self-inflicted pain. My godly awareness will always be with me, though I will still suffer from my human weaknesses. Each time, I will learn a valuable and poignant lesson that will be another part of my journey in helping others and eventually myself. We are not asked to be perfect, only aware of our imperfections. Each lesson gives me a renewed awareness that is not always pleasing, and yet, I am thankful for each one. I will relish the days when I will have aha moments and be able to make better decisions which hold much less pain.