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An
excerpt from: Hidden Message: What our Words and Actions are
Really Telling Our Children, By Elizabeth Pantley,
Contemporary Books, 2001
Casual
Remarks
It’s a
curious affliction: the tendency to talk about one’s children
in the most brutally honest and hurtful ways without realizing
that the cherished subjects of the offensive comments are
listening to every word. Right now, you may be saying to
yourself, “This never happens to me.” Perhaps. Perhaps not.
But I think there’s a good chance you’ll see yourself in at
least one of the following examples.
Unloading a
cart full of Cheerios, macaroni-and-cheese and hot dogs at the
grocery store’s checkout counter, a harried mother chats
animatedly to the cashier.
“… Only one more week ‘til summer vacation, then
the kids will be home all day. I can already hear the bickering
and whining! I don’t know how I’ll manage to live through
the next few months! Want to buy two kids, cheap?” The cashier
laughs and shakes her head, “Oh, no thanks, I have my own! I
know what you mean! I’m already waiting for next September!”
In their supposedly innocent light-hearted banter, neither one
notices the shopper’s two children standing right beside her,
listening quietly to every hurtful word. Neither one notices a
pair of small eyes cast downward just so, or a nervous little
cough.
Consider
Amir’s situation as he walks in the door after another
grueling day of work. His joyful, eager children run for Daddy,
but Mom spies him coming in just before they have their chance
to pounce. And the daily gripe session begins. “I am SO glad
you’re home. I need five minutes of peace and quiet. These
kids drove me crazy all day! Abdi and Sheida have been like wild
animals. They were fighting in the living room and knocked over
the potted fern. Aria has been acting like a
two-year-old—having temper tantrums over every little thing.
The wash machine is broken again and I have four stacks of
kids’ dirty clothes piled up in the laundry room . . .”
Quietly and unnoticed, three dispirited children fade into the
background of the family room and turn on the TV.
Then there’s
Megan, chatting on the phone with her best friend. As usual, the
conversation turns to the daily issues with their children.
Megan dramatically relates how very annoyed she was with Kyle at
baseball this morning. “I was so embarrassed!” she groans.
“The second time Kyle struck out he stomped his foot like a
baby and threw his helmet on the ground. You’d think he was
five years old instead of 15!” She chuckled. “ I think
adolescent hormones are taking over.” Meanwhile, said
adolescent is just a few feet away, pretending to work on his
homework—but actually suffering the embarrassment of listening
to his mother talk about his very real pain as if it were some
big joke.
I know many
parents who slip into the type of unfortunate conversation of a
mother and father who approached me after a recent parenting
lecture. They were anxious to talk with me, bemoaning their
three-year-old’s latest behavior problems. “Molly’s been a
good girl until recently. It’s like we’ve entered the
terrible twos a bit late. She’s just no fun anymore. She’s
constantly yelling ‘No!’ to us and won’t listen to a word
we say. We’ve tried to be patient, but she’s pushed us to
the end of our rope!” I glance down to see a little
three-year-old (Molly, perhaps?) clinging tightly to her
father’s leg. But she’s only three, she doesn’t understand
what they’re saying, this couldn’t possibly hurt her.
Or so we think.
The Hidden Message
“I can talk
about you all I want, and since you’re just a child you’re
not listening to what I say anyway. You’re not worthy of the
same respect I’d give another adult. Besides, this is how I
REALLY feel about you, and I don’t care about your
feelings—you’re just a kid so your feelings aren’t
important.”
Think
About It
If you
don’t believe that your children hear your casual remarks, try
this: As you chat with a friend or your spouse, casually slip a
question in the middle of your conversation. Something along the
lines of, “Do you think we should round up the kids and take
them out for ice cream?” Be ready to hop in the car when you
hear the chorus of, “Yes!” from the four corners of the
house.
Children do
not always react outwardly to what they hear. However, if you
could see into their hearts, you would find a record of every
careless word, every thoughtless action, every adult laugh, that
here, in the most tender and vulnerable of places, was not found
so funny. Here would you find also significant—and often,
inappropriate—meaning attached to these products of childhood
observation. Children struggle through the growing-up process,
and along the way they question who they are and what their
meaning is to this world and to their parents. A parent’s
potent words, and the multitude of other comments, gestures and
actions, help a child paint a picture of who he really is, and
how important he is in this world. How tragic for that child if,
despite how we really
feel, that painting is not the masterpiece we
envision!
Changes
You Can Make
Given the
extreme importance of your words, it simply makes good sense to
choose them carefully. From now on, if your child is within
hearing distance assume that he may be listening—and don’t
say anything about him
that you wouldn’t say to
him.
If you see a
bit of yourself in the previous examples, you’re no different
than most parents. But that doesn’t mean that this behavior
needn’t cease. Such a simple change could have a very positive
impact on your children’s lives. As you talk about your
children—and let’s face it, they’re among our favorite
topics—pay attention to how those words sound from your
child’s point of view. If you think that what you’re saying,
or about to say, can be construed as hurtful or embarrassing, stop. Talk about something else.
If you’re
not sure what you’re saying has a negative impact or not, ask
yourself how you would feel if you overheard someone talking
about you in those exact words. Or perhaps you can ask yourself,
“If I were talking about my boss/spouse/best friend to another
person, with the object of my comments listening, would I ever
say such a thing?” If your answer is a mortified laugh, then
stop mid-sentence and rephrase your comments in a more positive
way, if you find them absolutely crucial to the conversation.
Better yet,
find something shining and wonderful to say about your child,
and be sure your child hears it. That type of “casual
comment” can yield life-enhancing benefits to your children.
It may help them compose a more wonderful vision of themselves.
An image that they can carry with them for the rest of their
lives
(Excerpted
with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group Inc. from
Hidden Messages – What Our Words and Actions are Really
Telling Our Children by Elizabeth Pantley, copyright 2001)
Hidden
Messages is available in most bookstores, and on line:
Here are the links:
Amazon.com
Barnes
and Noble
Borders
Endorsements
“Elizabeth
Pantley’s new book is the wake-up call every parent needs, a
consciousness-raising journey through the small moments of
parenthood. Each chapter uses warmth, compassion, and humor to
gently tweak the consciences of even the best parents, and
inspire them to raise their children in a more sensitive
manner.” -- William Sears,
M.D. from the foreword
“A welcome
guide for moms and dads—it not only enlightens you about doing
the right things, but also provides clear, easy ways to do
it.” — Janet Chan,
Editor-in-Chief, Parenting Magazine
“As usual,
Elizabeth Pantley offers a book that is respectful to parents,
clear and readable, and absolutely helpful." —
Kathy Lynn, President, Parenting Today
“Through both
laughter and tears, in each story you will see yourself, your
family, or simply someone you know. Read this book for sheer
enjoyment, but also read it for the lessons learned.”
— Jill Lassaline, Creator
and Editor, ParentsWorld.com
An excerpt from: Hidden
Message: What our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our
Children, By Elizabeth Pantley, Contemporary Books, 2001
Dog
Doo To Do
“Dad! I’m home!” Melody
announced her arrival from school in the typical way. “Where
are you?’
“In my
office, Mel,” Kevin answered. She ambled in, knowing she’d
get a hug, a smile, and an inquiry about her day. After they
exchanged greetings and Melody told him about her day at school,
she turned to leave the room. Kevin stopped her. “Mel? Before
you go out to play, would you mind picking up the dog doo in the
yard? You know you’re suppose to do it in the morning before
you leave.”
Melody
wrinkled her nose. “Sorry, Daddy. I forgot. I’ll do it.
A while later,
Kevin finished his work. As he entered the kitchen to start
dinner, he spotted Melody out on the swing set. He also spotted
the various brown lumps decorating his lawn. Kevin opened the
window and called out to remind his daughter, “Melody! Don’t
forget to pick up the dog doo!
“OK!” she
answered back cheerfully.
Soon after,
Kevin called Melody for dinner. “What do you say we eat
outside? It’s really nice out.” As the two of them toted
their food out to the picnic table, Kevin had to sidestep
several doggie deposits. “Mel, this is really gross. I wish
you’d get it picked up.”
“I’ll do it
right after dinner. Promise.” Melody looked contrite, but her
Dad looked unconvinced.
Dad and
daughter enjoyed a very pleasant dinner, despite the canine
ambiance, catching up on the day’s news and tossing around
ideas for the upcoming weekend. As soon as they’d cleared the
picnic table and tidied up the kitchen, Melody gathered up her
homework and began studying diligently for her math test.
Kevin put his
hand on her shoulder. “Honey…I’m really proud of you for
being so conscientious about your homework. . . but are you ever
going to pick up that dog doo?”
The Hidden Message
“If you can
put up with the drone of my voice, go ahead and feel free to
ignore me. I don’t plan to take any action about this issue at
all.”
Think
About It
An
inescapable part of parenting is getting our children to do many
things they’d rather not, like picking up dog doo, taking out
trash, cleaning their rooms, and finishing homework. When a
parent continues to remind, ask, beg, pester, and yes, nag
a child about a task, but fails to follow through with any
action, the parent actually gives the child an interesting
choice: either listen to the nagging, or do the task. The child
is free to decide that the minimal pain of listening to a parent
beg over and over is a small price to pay for sidestepping the
dreaded deed. And children often do, sometimes without realizing
it.
All of
Kevin’s comments to Melody are vague, and without any follow
through action on his part he may as well say, “If you could
manage to pick up the dog doo sometime before your next
birthday, that would be really nice…”
Changes
You Can Make
You can avoid
falling into the nagging trap. Simply follow this four-step
process:
1)
Think;
2)
Tell;
3)
Warn;
4)
Act.
1)
Think. Before you ask your child to do something, think about
exactly what you want,
when you want it done,
and how your child
should proceed. Be clear about your purpose.
2)
Tell. Once you’re certain about what you want, tell your
child. Be specific. Avoid any phrase that makes your request
sound optional. For example, “Melody, I would like the dog doo
picked up before we sit down to dinner at 6:00.”
3)
Warn. If the deadline looms and the requested task has not been
completed, let your child know that you are aware of this, and
remind her to get the job done. “Melody, dinner will be ready
in ten minutes. You are to pick up the dog doo before we eat.”
4)
Act. If the deadline has been reached and the task has not been
performed, you have a wide variety of options that all come
under the heading “Act.”
A) You could nudge your child in the right direction either with
physical help (Put the shovel and bucket in her hand and guide
her out to the yard.)
B) You could use a when-then statement (“Melody, I’ll be
eating my dinner in the kitchen. When you have picked up the dog
doo, then you may join me.”)
C) You might follow through with a consequence (“Melody, since
you didn’t do as I asked, you’ll be staying home after
dinner instead of going to your friend’s house as you had
planned.)
D) If this is a repeat offense, you might invite your child to
sit down for a heart-to-heart. Express your displeasure and your
expectation. Brainstorm a solution to the problem. For example,
you may decide that she needs to create a checklist and keep it
posted in a prominent place, such as on the front of the
refrigerator, so that she’ll remember to do her chore each
day. Then hand her a piece of paper, a ruler and a box of
markers and ask her to create the checklist then and there.
E) You might choose to do it yourself. I know, I know—you’re
thinking, “What!?!”
But wait, you didn’t let me finish. Do it yourself and let her
know which of your jobs she can do for you. (“It’s 6:00, and since you did not
pick up the dog doo, I took the time to do it for you. Which
means that, in return, you’ll take the time to pull the weeds
for me after dinner.”)
Keep in mind
that, if you already have demonstrated a gift for ‘gentle
reminding, asking, nagging and hinting’, it will take some
time to convince your child that you have changed. And she’ll
only get the hint that you mean business if you’re consistent
in employing the last step (“act”). If you repeat step 3
(“warn”), twice, three times, a dozen times … then you
defeat the process and default into your old Nag Mode.
(Excerpted
with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group Inc. from
Hidden Messages – What Our Words and Actions are Really
Telling Our Children by Elizabeth Pantley, copyright 2001)
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