All You Need to Know about Birthday Parties
By Elizabeth Pantley
Author of "Kid Cooperation and Perfect Parenting"
……….Planning……….
Keep it simple.
At all ages, simple events tend to be successful and more fun. Complicated parties usually require extensive planning with little additional fun-value. What’s most important to the kids? Friends, goodies and gifts!
Watch your numbers.
To keep things under control, the number of guests should be equal to one to one-and-a-half times your child’s age. (A four-year-old would have 4 to 6 guests, an eight-year-old can handle 8 to 12 guests.) For a sleepover party, divide that number in half. (Multiply the number of guests times three to determine the number of vacation days you’ll need to recover from the event!)
Involve the guest of honor.
Involve your child in the planning and set up. Your child will be happier with the results and you’ll be forced to delegate some of the responsibility! Keep in mind that in case of a disagreement, YOU are the ultimate decision maker for the event.
Create a schedule of events.
Things will go more smoothly if you have a planned schedule. If you know that cake-eating should be done by 2:00 you can move things along if the kids are dawdling. The schedule will keep you more calm.
……….Your Kid……….
Plan ahead.
Discuss the details of the event with your child a day or two before the party. Talk about what behavior you expect from your child. Review appropriate manners regarding arrival of guests, games and activities and opening of gifts. When you clearly describe your expectations, you can avoid the behavior problems that arise when a child is brimming with the excitement of the party environment.
Handle misbehavior wisely.
Despite the best preparation, many kids become overly stimulated at their own party. You may find your usually well-behaved child jumping on your new sofa. If this happens, calmly take your child to a private corner. Acknowledge that you understand today’s excitement. Then, clearly identify two things: what you don’t want your child to do, and more importantly, what you DO want done instead.
Pick your battles.
Relax your regular rules a bit. This isn’t a good time to insist that your child clean his plate before dessert.
……Other Kids………
Know WHY they misbehave.
If you understand why some of your little guests are acting "goofy" you can keep the proper perspective. First, the excitement of the event can wind kids up. Second, some kids get jealous of the guest of honor. Third, some are just acting normally, but it doesn’t match up to your idea of proper behavior.
Calmly correct bad behavior.
If you see something you don’t like, take the child aside and make a specific request for change. Be polite, but clear and firm. "We don’t climb on our furniture. Please stay off the table."
Re-direct their energy.
Distract a misbehaving child by giving him a task to do, such as passing out the cake or assembling parts of a game. A busy child is less likely to be disruptive.
End on a good note.
Lots of parties fall apart at the very end, when the planned activities are complete, but parents have not yet arrived. Have a quiet fill-in ready, such as coloring, bead-art, or even a video movie.
Reprinted by permission of Elizabeth Pantley, author of Parent Tips, Perfect Parenting and Kid Cooperation – Copyright 1999
For more information on Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips by Elizabeth Pantley - http://www.amazon.com
By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Kid Cooperation and Perfect Parenting
Situation: My kids’ fighting drives me crazy! It’s usually over some extremely important issue, like who gets to use the red LegoTM piece. (Never mind that there are fifteen more just like it in the box!) I get so tired of the yelling, screaming and threatening -- not to mention what goes on between the kids! Please, I beg you, give me some ideas to put an end to this bickering.
Think about it: Most of us brought our second baby home from the hospital along with visions of our children becoming life-long friends. (Some of us even had a second child specifically so that our first would have a playmate!) When our children fight, it not only grates on our nerves, it tugs on our hearts. The most important advice I can give you is: calm down and relax. Keep a level head and view your kids’ arguments in a realistic way. The fight over the red Lego TM, as intense as it may seem, will be over and forgotten by the time one of them realizes he needs a blue one. Kids fight for lots of reasons. They fight because they don’t want to share, because they want parental attention, because they each have a differing view about what’s fair, or simply because they have to share the same space, day after day after day. The vast majority of sibling battles are not destructive to the relationship between the children. All this considered, there are ways to survive sibling fighting. And there are ways to reduce the number of fights, and the severity of them, as well.
Take away the audience: It’s a proven fact. Kids will fight longer, louder and with more enthusiasm when they have an audience. Usually, it’s because they hope you’ll step in and solve the problem. (You can sometimes tell that this is happening because your son’s comments are directed at his sister, but his eyes are on you!) Therefore, it stands to reason that if you leave the room, they will have to solve the problem themselves. A large amount of verbal battles will fizzle out without a parent’s interference. If you think about it, you’ll really love this solution. It gives you permission to follow the essence of the advice from a particularly appealing bumper sticker I’ve seen, "When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping".
Identify and solve the problems: Try to identify if there is a pattern to the kids’ fights. Do they typically fight over one thing, say the computer, or choice of TV shows? If so, make a schedule for computer or TV use. Do they always fight while you’re making dinner? You could enlist their help in preparing the meal, feed them a healthy snack, or have a routine activity planned during that time, such as homework or chores. Do they always fight over who sits where at the table, or in the car? Assign specific seats and rotate them monthly. Do they fight while they are getting ready for bed in the evening? Let them take turns using the bathroom, one at a time, for a specified time period. The idea here is to identify the "hot spots" between your children and create a plan to prevent the problem from continually causing arguments.
Teach: Teach your children how to negotiate and compromise with each other. Have both children sit on a sofa at opposite ends, or on two adjacent chairs. Give them a choice. Tell them you will "arbitrate or mediate." Of course, they will ask what you mean. Let them know that "arbitrate" means you make the decision and they will live with it, "mediate" means they will make the decision, and you will help them come to the best conclusion. Over time, and with practice, they will learn how to settle arguments on their own.
Distract: If the argument is over a trivial issue, you can often defuse the tension with humor, or distract the kids with another activity. For example, if one kid is complaining that his brother is "looking at him funny," there is no sensible reason for you to intervene. Instead, ignore it and ask who would like to help you make brownies. Or, try humor. "Oh no! I once read about a boy who made a face like that and it froze in place. They had to mash up his food so he could sip his squashed pizza through a straw. He had such a hard time eating that he lost so much weight the cat thought he was a piece of string and batted him around the kitchen."
Praise good behavior: It happens. The kids are playing together nicely. "Oh, good," you think, "I’ll have time to catch up on my paperwork." As tempting as it is, don’t ignore your children when they are getting along well! This is the time to show up with a plate of cookies and a kind word of praise. Reward the behavior that you wish to have repeated, and you’ll see more of it.
Question: MY kids fight all the time. What upsets me the most is when they get physical: hitting, kicking, pinching, pushing and hair pulling. I usually end up screaming at them. Is there a way to stop the battles?
Think about it: Children are not born knowing how to negotiate or compromise. When they are frustrated, angry or annoyed they will sometimes strike out physically. If they aren’t taught the skills they need to control their emotions and if they aren’t given direction about how to negotiate and compromise, they may continue to resort to physical actions to get their way. It’s our job to teach kids how to work through their disagreements in a socially acceptable way.
Sit and Think: Have both children sit on a sofa at opposite ends, or on two adjacent chairs. Tell them they may get up when they have resolved the issue. At first you may have to mediate and guide the resolution. Over time they will learn how to negotiate and compromise on their own.
Time Out: When two children are physically fighting, immediately separate them into different rooms for a cooling off period. When they have both calmed down, sit them at the table together and arbitrate a discussion between them until the issue is resolved.
Separate: Tell the children they may not play together for one hour. Banish them to separate rooms. (Do not allow either child to watch TV or play video games.) Their first response is likely to be, "Great! I didn’t want to play with him anyway." But after a boring hour playing alone, they will likely be better company for each other.
Payback time: Have the aggressor do a chore for the injured sibling, such as make the bed or take out the trash. An alternate idea is to fine the aggressor a pre-determined amount of money, such as 25 cents. The injured sibling gets to keep the payment. (Impose a penalty only if YOU see the aggressive action.)
Contract for better behavior: With your help, have the children create a contract agreement between them. Spell out what actions are unacceptable and what the consequences will be imposed for failure to meet the contract terms. Have each child sign the agreement and post it conspicuously. Follow through with the agreed consequences when necessary.
What’s really happening? Don’t always assume that the child who is doing the hitting is the only one at fault. Sometimes the "victim" has taunted, teased, insulted and tormented the sibling to the point of wild frustration. While it is never appropriate for one child to hit another, it would behoove you to be aware of any behind the scenes torture that may be testing your child’s patience to its limit. If you discover that this is happening, begin to hold both children accountable for their behavior.
Catch them being good. Reward them for getting along with positive attention. When your children are playing together without fighting, make a comment of appreciation, such as, "I’m happy that
you guys enjoy playing together." Giving attention when things are going well will encourage them to continue the positive behavior.
Special Note: If your children have frequent intense battles, it is a symptom of a much bigger problem. It would be wise to seek the advice of a family counselor or therapist. You may be able to find an appropriate specialist through your church, school, physician or local hospital. This is a difficult issue to resolve on your own. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help is a sign that you really care about your children and their relationship with each other.
(Excerpted with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group Inc. from Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips by Elizabeth Pantley, copyright 1999)
For more information on Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips by Elizabeth Pantley - http://www.amazon.com
Get Your Toddler to Cooperate!
By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Kid Cooperation and Perfect Parenting
Preschoolers require more finesse to gain their cooperation, because they have not yet reached the age at which they can see and understand the whole picture. Robert Scotellaro is quoted in The Funny Side of Parenthood as saying, "Reasoning with a two-year-old is about as productive as changing seats on the Titanic." (He must have had a two-year-old at the time.)
You can get around this frustrating state of affairs by changing your approach. Let’s look at two situations – first the typical (Titanic) way:
Parent: David! Time to change your diaper.
David: No! (As he runs off)
Parent: Come on honey. It’s time to leave, I need to change you.
David: (Giggles and hides behind sofa)
Parent: David, this isn’t funny. It’s getting late. Come here.
David: (Doesn’t hear a word. Sits down to do a puzzle)
Parent: Come here! (Gets up and approaches David)
David: (Giggles and runs)
Parent: (Picking up David) Now lie here. Stop squirming! Lie still. Will you stop this!
(As parent turns to pick up a new diaper, a little bare bottom is running away)
I’m sure you’ve all been there. By the way, David is my son. Like you, I got very tired of this. And then I discovered a better way:
Parent: (Picking up diaper and holding it like a puppet, making it talk in a silly, squeaky voice)
Hi David! I’m Dilly Diaper! Come here and play with me!
David: (Running over to Diaper) Hi Dilly!
Parent as Diaper: You’re such a nice boy. Will you give me a kiss?
David: Yes. (Gives diaper a kiss)
Parent as Diaper: How ‘bout a nice hug?
David: (Giggles and hugs Diaper)
Parent as Diaper: Lie right here next to me. Right here. Yup. Can I go on you? Oh yes?!
Goody goody goody! (The diaper chats with David while he’s being changed. Then it says, Oh, David! Listen, I hear your shoes calling you – David! David!
The most amazing thing about this trick is that it works over and over and over and over. You’ll keep thinking, "He’s not honestly going to fall for this again?" But he will! Probably the nicest by-product of this method is that it gets you in a good mood and you have a little fun time with your child.
When you’ve got a toddler this technique is a pure lifesaver. When my son David was little I used this all the time. One day, when he was almost three, we were waiting in a long line at the grocery store and I was making my hand talk to him. He was hugging my hand and looked up at me and said, "Mommy, I love for you to pretend this hand is talking."
Another day, after I had called David to the table for dinner a number of times, he calmly looked up at me, chubby hands on padded hips and said, "Mommy, why don’t you have my dinner call to me?"
And suddenly, the peas on his plate came to life and called out to David; he ran over to join us at the dinner table.
A variation on this technique is to capitalize on a young child’s vivid imagination as a way to thwart negative emotions. Pretend to find a trail of caterpillars on the way to the store, hop to the car like a bunny, or pretend a carrot gives you magic powers as you eat it.
It’s delightful to see how a potentially negative situation can be turned into a fun experience by changing a child’s focus to fantasy.
Excerpted with permission by New Harbinger Publications, Inc. (http://www.newharbinger.com/) from Kid Cooperation, How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading and Get Kids to Cooperate by Elizabeth Pantley (http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth, copyright 1996)
For more information on Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips by Elizabeth Pantley - http://www.amazon.com