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Helping Children Cope with Cancer

 Introduction

To embrace a fearful child with a touch of assurance ... to be present in a child's life when there is pain ... to create joy by helping relieve the pain a child feels ... these are the great works being done in the world today. While one may go to the mountains seeking to draw nearer to God through the beauty, quietness, and whispers from the wind, another knows a surer way to see the face of God - by looking into the eyes and heart of a child.

I am sharing my deepest conviction when I tell you that true religion is to care for a child. This spiritual service is offered to Jesus Himself. Anyone serious about the quest for knowledge of God must be intimate with the heartbeats of the little children, never crushing their tiny spirits but always seeking ways to serve them in their needs. When a person does this well, he knows the quiet joy in the depth of his being that we call peace.

A child confronts the difficulties of life with a major need - an interpreter. Someone who will stay and not go away. Someone who will accept and affirm; someone who doesn't demand courage of one who does not understand his enemy but who offers his own courage so that burdens are borne together.


A Child Battling Cancer

Those who work with little children battling cancer tell me that these children want very little from those who serve them. Cancer care teams in pediatric wards bristle when we fail to understand that we frequently need what the children offer far more than they need what we can offer. "A little child shall lead them" is a long known truth. They will teach if we will learn. "Be still and watch the children," is wise counsel.

A child fighting cancer knows how to believe in the medical team. The child often feels poorly and therefore is cranky or out of sorts, but harbors no animosity, no hatred. The child wants to be cooperative and help himself get well.

He knows, to an unusual degree, how to live a day at a time, a test at a time. He knows how to forget or minimize the ordeals of the past week and look upon a new day with some new hope.

Rarely does a child battling cancer lay aside hope by borrowing fears of the future. Often a child believes what an adult doubts. A child can hope when an adult "knows" better. Usually the term "fierce battler" describes him best.

Many sick children view God as a friend, someone who cares and is helping them.

What A Child Needs

A child fighting cancer needs those around him to work hard to control their own fears.

Panic, denial, shock, grief, victimization, rage - these feelings of total helplessness - are typical emotions that keep parents stunned. A child can sense a parent's distress. Parents who are intent on providing reassurance will learn to cope with their own emotions so that they can be better prepared to deal with their child's emotional roller-coaster.

Parents, as adults, often choose to dwell on the fearful possibilities rather than the hopeful ones. This attitude shows in the face sometimes. A fearful look, continually lining a parent's face, causes a child to become more frightened. Fear can also show in untimely statements by the parents who over sympathize when the child is feeling badly. The sick child has no need of pity. Understanding, empathy, gentle encouragement, and a hopeful outlook are indispensable aids to him. These attitudes must be cultivated so that they will be transmitted to the child. Statements such as these may be helpful!

(1) "I know you're feeling poorly. I'm sorry. But I believe there are better days ahead."

(2) "You seem down today. I understand. I would be down too. Let's just work together to get through this day......

(3)"Your pain is making you cranky. I know you don't want to be cranky, but I certainly don't blame you for it. Let's talk to Dr. J. about ways he may have to make you rest easier. I believe he can help."

(4)"Dear, I know you're tired of all this. I am too. Like you, I want it to be over so you can be back with your friends. That's what we're working toward. I know you're trying to be patient. Don't worry. I really think you do well in handling this. Better than I'd do, for sure."

These responses communicate acceptance. They show the belief that the child is doing well with the difficulties he faces instead of engaging in a lot of pity. They communicate that you're in there with him, not condemning his feelings. These responses communicate that the doctor is "our friend" and he will try to help us handle any problem. Most of all, the child is given what is needed -- non-judgmental support.

As a parent or friend, you can find creative ways to help a child fight cancer. His every waking hour doesn't have to dwell on his sickness. If he is not in the sickest part of the therapy routine -- whether chemotherapy or radiation -- he can be given things that are within his capability to enjoy. Survey the game market, especially those that appeal to the natural desire to compete or conquer. Watch out for those games that require rigorous emotional or physical energy, but take a few risks. Creatively try to get something the child will enjoy as a diversion from his illness.

A child needs realistic hope in his battle against cancer. Parents can reinforce hope by trusting their doctor, the treatment regimen, and by personally refusing to give up. The "will to believe" must be strong in those who encourage the child who is battling cancer. Parents and other family members are looked upon by the doctors as the v.s.s. - the vital support system. The doctor leads the way in providing hope.

Children can endure side effects better when they are given supportive encouragement that suggests a better day is coming - a day when the treatment will be completed in success. Also, children need the assurance that everyone is being honest with them. Although the child might not be told everything, the child should be dealt with truthfully. His fantasies may be worse than the reality. (Children often pick up misinformation.)

A Parent's Needs

Parents have personal needs when they have a child battling cancer. They need to maintain their physical and emotional strength. Weary-eyed, bone-tired, emotionally drained parents may compound some of the difficult problems already existing. My suggestion to parents is to try to practice the discipline necessary to keep themselves "fresh" for the battles. It is important to take time to be alone, leaving the sick child in a trusted person's care. Rest and recreation are not luxuries, but necessities to keep a healthy balance.

Parents need to cultivate their own relationship when their child is sick. To give their child the greatest help, there should be harmony, mutual respect, affirmation, and affection between the parents. A child can often sense something wrong in the relationship between the mother and father when one parent is devoting all his emotional energies to the child. This experience is unsettling to a child, although he is rarely able to speak about it. To contribute to the child's greatest emotional well-being, parents need to keep their relationship healthy and strong.

Parents also need to have open and honest communication with the child's doctor. The physician should explain the child's condition on a regular basis, helping parents to remain informed. Parents should write down their questions as clearly as possible, ask them respectfully, and then trust the doctor's answers. They should keep in mind that sometimes he will not have all the answers.

Parents sometimes feel guilty because their child has cancer and think that God is punishing them through their child's suffering. This kind of self-blame can lead to depression. Blaming husband or wife may lead to a breakdown of communication and cause distance in a relationship that is very important to the parents, the sick child, and other family members.

Parents are also vulnerable to those who say, "If you only had enough faith, God would heal your child of this condition." Examine the source of these statements. If well-meaning friends or family are seeking to encourage you, thank them for their prayers. If strangers or persons with other purposes are offering this advice, refuse to waste your energies in fruitless anger.

Parents often overreact to a child's illness by pitying the child and smothering him with material things, suspending all discipline and punishment. In a short-term situation this response is understandable, but for the longer fight, this is harmful to the child and the family. Concentration on the child to the exclusion of other children causes fragmentation of family life and neglect of the other children in the family. Studies show that where parents fail to maintain their relationship effectively a high proportion later separate or divorce.

Meeting The Spiritual Needs -- Where Is God?

Often a child's illness becomes an occasion for a crisis of faith. A child's serious illness is a challenge to our own deepest understanding of our faith. What kind of God allows this to happen? What can faith possibly have to say to this experience? Anger, grief, and shock may be experienced. The questions and emotions are powerful and won't easily go away.

I've had to face these questions and emotions personally and with friends whose children have cancer. Perhaps these observations will help. I honestly hope so.

God is "the easier hook on which to hang blame" says Dr. Bruce Birch, whose child suffered with leukemia. When life's tough crises occur, I've observed that some people look to God for help and resources, while others bring accusations and reject God altogether. The deciding factor appears to be the condition of the person's faith when the crisis occurs.

Persons who feel God is punishing them feel enormous guilt or anger toward God. The Bible describes a caring God who is the center of Christian faith. However, I must emphasize that faith in a caring God is a choice, just as rejecting the idea of a God who cares is a choice. Those who have chosen faith don't have all their questions answered but they testify to the strength and encouragement God has supplied for the battle. My own family has experienced this strength and encouragement and found great comfort in a God who cares. The book, The Gift of Life, is my autobiographical discussion of how faith in God provided meaning for my family and myself in our crisis.

One final word: You may want to consider the faith of the child who is sick. His faith may be a beacon for you. If so, you will want to nourish his faith and affirm him.

Conclusion:

How helpful it is to remember that the idea that cancer brings an inevitable and swift end to a young life is out of date. Advances in treatment are often spectacular, bringing children remission - cancer-free periods of normal life. The story of childhood cancer is, therefore, no longer always a story about facing death; it is one about struggling for life.

 Introduction
"It's not easy being sick." Speaking from personal experience, "It is very hard."

Illness, whether it is temporary, chronic, or life-threatening, is often accompanied by depression. To cope we must wage war on two fronts (depression and illness) at one time while we are in a weak and vulnerable position. As a cancer patient and a counselor to cancer patients, I have found it very important to first try to understand depression and then to find "coping mechanisms" to help deal with it.

Everyone becomes depressed at one time or another. Who doesn't remember feeling low, either hopeless or helpless occasionally? Sometimes, a major negative event can make one anxious or on the verge of tears. One study estimates that in our country, at any given time, as many as twenty-two million people are depressed. The word depression is used to describe a wide spectrum of behavior - from a slight feeling of "being down" (which may last only an hour or two), all the way to severe depression. What worries us, however, is not brief periods of "feeling blue or melancholy. We become concerned when we suffer the emotional pain of a continuing "downness." No amount of encouragement or activity seems to lift our spirit.

In 1973 I was diagnosed with lymphoma, a cancer of the lymphatic system. After the diagnosis, I was rushed to M.D. Anderson Hospital (University of Texas Cancer Hospital at Houston) for immediate evaluation. There I began chemotherapy to fight the disease. After the initial shock of the horrible diagnosis, I became depressed. No amount of loving concern, positive talk or kindness could lift me out of my despair. I experienced for the first time great loneliness and a sense of hopelessness. I found myself weeping often and was very anxious. One day my physician, Dr. Gonzales, took my wife outside my room and explained. Understandably, my outlook was poor. He then added that he doubted I would feel much better mentally until I improved physically.

This "chemical depression" was then explained to me. If I understand what he said it was basically this: my body was chemically unbalanced because of the illness and therefore caused me to be depressed. Pep talks weren't likely to help much until the medicine worked against my disease. This explanation helped me understand the nature of this depression and relieved me from feeling guilty about not being able to control the depression.

From that moment I have thought that many would profit from having a better understanding of depression, especially the more serious or clinical depression which is so often present in chronic or serious illness. Understanding can become an effective weapon in our struggle. I've worked with doctors and I want to share what I've learned about the two main kinds of depression: chemical depression and psychological depression.

Chemical Depression - What is Happening in Your Body?
Since chemical depression was first explained to me, I have learned that although a serious or chronic illness makes us particularly vulnerable, the chemical imbalance that causes depression may occur in a variety of ways. The following are a few of the known and suspected causes of this complicated type of depression.

Most doctors believe that there is an inner relationship between depression and altered levels of chemicals that affect the brain, such as norepinephine, and an endocrine disturbance. Viral illnesses and endocrine disorders can cause depression.- Electrolyte disturbances, such as an upset in the levels of sodium and potassium in the body, are also indicted as causes of depression. Hypothyroidism, hypoglycemia, and even fatigue can produce this type of depression. Some medications have also been linked to it.

It is important that we identify the symptoms of chemical depression. There are five major kinds: sad effect, painful thinking, physical symptoms, anxiety, and delusional thinking. Let me explain these one at a time.

Sadness
One major symptom of depression is basic sadness. A person may want to cry or actually weep often. His face looks downcast. He may not care how he looks, perhaps not "feeling like" shaving or putting on makeup. He sees no point in the effort; he has no purpose.

Painful Thought
Another symptom is emotional pain. The prolonged pain a person may feel is like having. a broken heart. He may be very self-critical, feeling terrible about past mistakes, yet not be able to let go of them in his mind. Constant worry and feeling unimportant leads him to think and talk to others in terms of worthlessness, even hopelessness. Often he thinks, "I'll never get better." There is great loneliness. He has no energy, and sometimes a poor memory and lack of concentration plague him. Decision making becomes very difficult.

Physical Manifestations
A third symptom of chemical depression is physical. This is important to understand, for research shows that biochemical changes take place in the brain and drastically effect the human nervous system during chemical depression. The depressed person may suffer tension headaches or stomach disorders. Sleep and appetite can be upset. He may wake up earlier than usual, have trouble falling asleep, or sleep too much. He may eat too much or too little. Sexual interest often falls off. Shortness of breath, slower body movements, a more rapid heartbeat or unusual skin sensations may occur. Any of these symptoms may scare him and make him think he is going crazy.

Anxiety
A fourth major symptom is anxiety or a tendency to be quickly angry. A tenseness or "antsiness" can be present. This symptom can range from simple restlessness or impatience to a severe anxiety accompanied by unexplainable fear or panic.

Delusions
Lastly, a symptom which can occur is delusional thinking. The person can get out of touch with reality. Hearing voices or seeing things that aren't there is clearly evidence of a clinical depression.

Chemical depression is not caused solely by illness. Any shock or major life change may trigger physical responses which can lead to serious depression. We may find it difficult to understand how the death of a loved one, a divorce, or the physical displacement that occurs when we move to a new city can result in a physically caused depression. We do not connect the life change to the depression. However, those in the medical field are aware of these causes as well as the others I've mentioned.

The many causes make it imperative that you and I talk to our doctor about any prolonged periods of depression. It is very important that a person relate well to his doctor to understand the problem and get effective treatment.

Help For Physical Depression -- What Your Doctor Can Do
There is encouraging news for those who find they are suffering from chemical depression. There are several classes of medications that fight depression. One example of these is the tri-cyclic anti-depressants such as Tofanil, Elavil and Sinequan. These are being effectively prescribed by physicians who see patients plagued by depression. Doctors who work in this field tell me that we don't know exactly how these medications work.

I want to emphasize again that your doctor is your best friend in this battle. Rather than ridiculing you, he will seek to understand. He now has a good supply of medicines which are not addictive and have been shown to be quite effective as reinforcement until your chemical system once again begins to function properly.


Psychological Depression - What's Happening in Your Mind
I want to move from talking about clinical or physical depression to the psychological depression or simply the depressed spirit. My purpose, again, is to help the person to understand his depression and to learn successful ways of coping with it.

What Illness Does
In seeking to understand, let's look at the aspects of depression in illness that may not be related to chemical or physical depression, but still result in a depressed spirit. We need to better understand what chronic or life-threatening illness does to us. In reality there is much to challenge our spirit.

First, and most important - illness brings the question of limits to us. We no longer enjoy good health. Our freedom is limited. When we go from being in good health to experiencing impaired or poor health we experience a major life change. It's true, as one television commercial suggested, "When you have your health, you have just about everything." Put another way, "From good health springs most of life's good opportunities and enjoyments."

Another aspect of illness is pain. The millions who suffer from arthritis can attest to the real difficulties of dealing with chronic pain when doing such basic tasks as rising from the bed or walking to the car. When today's basic tasks are performed in discomfort or physical pain, our psychological outlook may be negatively affected.

Another hidden assault of serious illness is our inability to control our own future. The strong-willed person will often find this the hardest to live with. The illness will have its way and we, in spite of our will, are many times helpless.

Weapons to Fight Depression in Illness - What You Can Do
Prolonged illness is discouraging. Illness, without question, presents major hurdles to developing or keeping a positive mental outlook. We acknowledge that a disciplined mind is essential if we are to succeed. I want to be vulnerable and share with you the principles which have helped me deal with depression during my illness.

First, I've learned to concentrate on what I can do and not upon all the things I can't do. Since illness brings limits and has taken me out of the usual flow of my life's activities, I fight back by making a decision to fight against self-pity. I have dealt with many sick people by correspondence through the last thirteen years, and I've found that some allow their limitations to bury them. Others find within their limits the power to create life, to love and to serve. The difference isn't really the illness but the decision of the will. People who overcome (I call them victors) have a plan of action within their limits. People who give in (I call them victims) usually concentrate on the past and on the present difficulties and limitations of their illness. They tend to live with their "regrets" and their "wishes," and neither gives them much quality or purpose in living.

Second, I've learned to define my life's meaning in terms that do not require good or perfect health. Often illness gives an opportunity to believe we're just not worth much anymore. "I'm no good to myself or anybody else," has often been said.

When self-esteem and self-worth are weak it is because we have defined our lives in terms of our roles or functions rather than in terms of the inherent worth God has given us. Perhaps illness can be the occasion to finally break out of this delusion that "we are what we do" and move toward the understanding that we are the object of God's love in Christ.

One common feeling in depression is that of having lost one's faith. A person may have no sense of the presence of God in his life. This person needs to tell a trusted friend the depths of his religious despair. Often the person also feels guilt for some real or imagined misdeed and may feel, because they are sick, that they have few opportunities to do better. The future for them does not look bright. The best days seem to be behind. Among the things we need to hear is that God loves and forgives.

In this period of poor health let me suggest that you ask God in prayer for the strength to endure. But, along with enduring, ask Him to teach you. Why not decide your illness has meaning and pursue that meaning. More benefits come from looking for meaning than ever come from looking for causes or from continuing to wonder, "Why me?"

You have one advantage (and maybe more) over most people: you know the important truth about how fragile human life is.

This knowledge may not be pleasant, but it is profitable because you can decide how to live meaningfully. Your anger and disappointment are normal. Vent your feelings and you will cope better. Then you will be prepared to work your plan of action with some inner peace and satisfaction.

Finally, don't go it alone. I learned that I needed a support system of family and friends. For you it may be a niece or a neighbor. But let others help you. It's time you learned to receive as well as give. I encourage you to change "I can't" to "I will," taking personal responsibility for the quality of your life even in illness. Now I'm asking you not to try to do it all by yourself. Just as you need to move "outside yourself" by doing something for somebody (even though you're not in good health), you also should become gracious in receiving. You can bless others by serving them and by letting them serve you.

I treasure the word "hope." In the midst of the depression of illness that word "hope" is rarely mentioned. I'm asking you to consider using that word again. Hope can mean endurance and perseverance. Hope can mean a new way of seeing your present circumstances. Hope can mean God has more in store for you. Believe with me that "where there's life, there's hope." In the midst of illness it may take special eyes to see it, but the good news is that you can have the gift of special eyes.

TO RETURN to the menu page: PeaceNCancer

For further reading:
HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE by Dr. Paul Minirth and Dr. Paul Meier, published by Baker Book House in 1978.

The Caring Cancer Ministry desires to send you a free catalogue of other helpful booklets to encourage those dealing with difficult illness. Write to: Caring, Box 1315, Abilene, TX 79604
Herald of Truth - Randy Becton

To move back to the menu page: PeaceNCancer

In giving permission to use his material, Randy Becton has asked that we include links to the following sites: NCI's CancerNet Cancer Information

And: Herald of Truth

To check out my home page: GALowe's Home Page

You may send mail to Gary Lowe through this link: galowe@aol.com . I can forward the mail to Randy Becton. I also know several folks who would be willing to pray about specific requests.

First  posted on April 8, 1997

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