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On
The Road Again
Shifting the Marital Gears of
Communication from Park to Drive
by Beverly Jackson
Recently we purchased a new
minivan suitable for our families needs. After signing the
papers our salesman handed me the keys and quickly explained
some of the bells and whistles. Finally I was on my way home
where the minivan would sit in the driveway for a short while.
After that I’d be off to pick up seventh grade kids in the
neighborhood carpool. A funny thing happened when I got into the
van to pick up the kids – I started the engine but when I
tried to put the gears into reverse it wouldn’t budge. Looking
over both shoulders to make sure no one else was witnessing my
somewhat feeble attempts, I pulled and tugged at the gearshift
in hopes that something would work. I don’t know what happened
but finally the van was in gear and I was on the road again.
After dropping off the
neighborhood kids, my son, Matt, and I came up with all kinds of
places to visit in our new van before dad got home. During our
many stops I noticed that sometimes I could get the van in gear
and sometimes it was a struggle. The problem left me somewhat
nervous but it didn’t stop our explorations around town. -
sometimes we were off and running and other times we were
tugging and pulling.
The next morning as I was trying
to get Matt to school it happened again. Did I mention that I
forgot to tell my husband, Tim, about this tiny little problem?
Meanwhile, Matt had to get to school but we were going nowhere
unless we were willing to hop on our bikes…in the rain?!?!
Suddenly I had a bright idea,
"I’ll call Tim and maybe he won’t mind that I forgot to
share this tiny detail with him the night before. We quickly
dialed Tim’s number at work and a voice recorder happily took
our message (Now that’s efficiency). We left a somewhat urgent
appeal and in the mean time we began to pray words that went
something like this: "Lord help us we’re stuck!"
secretly hoping that the simple words of a child would reach the
doors to heaven in a hurry. About that time I reached to tug at
the gears again and voila’ we were moving. We both uttered
"Thank you God" simultaneously. We were so thrilled to
be in reverse but I’m not sure that I can say the same for the
people near the end of our driveway that morning.
When I arrived home after taking
Matt to school there was a message on our recorder from Tim. I
quickly returned his call and as soon as he said
"hello", I lamented "Honey, I think we bought a
lemon instead of a minivan". I began telling him about the
problem with the gears and after a careful and wise pause he
spoke these words "tell me exactly how you’re starting
the van". Being the analytical thinker that he is, I
humored him with a complete walk through. When I reached the
part about starting the engine then reaching for the gear he put
the breaks on. Literally! He said to me "are you stepping
on the break when you put the car into gear? I quickly retorted
"what does that have to do with anything?" he kindly
replied "everything". Moving right along… You see
both my husband and I were use to driving a standard
transmission automobile for most of our 22 years of married
life. Because of that, I had totally forgotten about having to
apply the breaks to get an automatic transmission in gear.
Thinking about this story
reminded me that some of life’s simplest problems could be
avoided with proper communication and a listening ear. The man
at the dealership didn’t know I had forgotten a basic
procedure when driving a vehicle with an automatic transmission.
I’m not sure it occurred to my husband either and it certainly
never entered my mind (obviously). I don’t want to imagine how
much damage I might have caused to our transmission had I been
too stubborn or proud to ask for help.
John Hagee once said
"Marriages are made in heaven but so are lightening and
thunder".
In our 22 years of marriage
we’ve weathered many a storm. Some were like tornadoes –
damaging everything in its path while others would come and go
leaving light to moderate damage. I’d categorize my problem
with the van as a brief rain shower instead of an all out storm.
However if the problem hadn’t been communicated it could have
formed a squall line - not a pretty sight if you know what I
mean. I also realize that the minivan story doesn’t reflect
most of the problems that occur in marital relationships,
however the same principal applies – communication! I wonder
how much I would have been willing to communicate if the problem
hadn’t directly involved me?
After an embarrassing long period
of time in our relationship I finally came to realize that
there’s an art to this thing called communication. It’s the
funniest thing but when I take the time to compliment my husband
in front of others, he tends to gain a couple of inches in
height and… bigger, broader shoulders. And when he compliments
me, you’d better believe I’m going to be making him a Boston
cream pie! I love a tall man and he loves a Boston cream pie.
I also love the book of Proverbs
as it has a unique way of kicking my spiritual mind into
"thought provoking" gear. The writer of this book says
"Careless words stab like a sword, but wise words bring
healing" (Prov. 12:18). An old Chinese proverb offers these
wise words "He who slings mud loses ground". Or how
about "Sticks and stones may break my bones but hurtful
words will break my heart".
I’ve often had to check my
level of communication in our marriage. I’ve had to ask
myself: Does it remind me of the song entitled "Love is in
the air" or does it remind me of the song entitled
"Master the Tempest is Raging" - an all out storm with
gusty winds that repeatedly destroy potential paths to problem
solving?
Have you ever notice that there
isn’t much of a difference between the spelling of the words
"Marital" and "Martial"? Putting the
"I" in its proper place in our marriages creates a
vast difference in love versus war. I must confess that every
time "I" get improperly positioned in our relationship
shells start firing. The Apostle Paul’s words are definitely
worth heeding "I have been crucified with Christ and I no
longer live, but Christ lives in me" (Galatians 2:20).
Got a potential war or a storm
brewing? Take some time to talk about it. Hold hands and pray a
blessing over your spouse thanking God for what they mean in
your relationship. Hearing Tim pray over me works wonders in
shedding armor I might otherwise be storing up for battle, and
believe me, I know how to store up. The touch of your spouse’
hand and the cry of your hearts in unison to God can work
wonders with potential word problems. Just thinking about it
makes me hungry. Think I’ll go put something in the oven…
This
article is copyrighted by the author. All Rights Reserved. No part
of this article may be reprinted without permission of the author.
©Copyright
2001
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