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Wanting
More But Getting Less
Wanting
more but getting less
deals with the frequency of sexual intercourse between a husband
and a wife. The issue of frequency is common and the source of
marital conflict for many. Invariably, when two people marry it
will not take long before they realize that one mate desires
sexual relations more frequently than the other. Men, more often
than women, complain about not having enough sexual intercourse.
However, more recently women, particularly in the over 40 age
bracket, also are wanting more intimacy.
There
are many factors or variables relating to the frequency or less
frequency of sexual intercourse in marriage. This article can
not address each possible variable but I hope that it will
provide some practical suggestions and provoke thought and
discussion with your spouse. Some factors that come into play
when it comes to how frequent couples engage in sexual relations
are: age. health, social and business pressures, emotional
conditions, the ability to communicate about sex, and whether or
not sexual relations are pleasurable, fulfilling, and many other
factors.
If
the issue of frequency
is to be solved, we must consider God's word as our primary
source. In
I Corinthians7:3-5, Paul gives instructions to married
couples concerning the attitude they should have when it comes
to sexual intimacy. In Paul's instructions, there are three
major reasons why sexual relations should be engaged in as often
as needed.
1) Sexual
intercourse is not only, a pleasure; it is a right.
(ICorinthians 7:3) To refuse
your spouse of sexual relations without mutual consent is
sinful. (I Corinthians 7:5)
2) Sexual
intercourse is not just sexual but it is submission.
(I Corinthians 7:4) The
husband submits or (avails) his body for the purpose of
satisfying the sexual needs of his wife. Likewise. the wife
submits or avails her body for the purpose of satisfying the
sexual needs of her husband. In both cases, the emphasis is
placed upon mutually satisfying each others sexual needs.
Obviously, sexual desires or needs may vary. Couples should
discuss thoroughly what their needs are and both should
compromise to the satisfaction of each other.
3) Sexual
intercourse is not just to release sexual tension, it is also
to avoid sexual temptation. (I
Corinthians. 7:5) A
disregard for this principle is to invite temptation and
trouble into your marriage.
The
quantity as well as the quality of sexual relations start with
the relationship itself. In other words, a better
relationship means better and more sex. However, it should
be understood that both quantity and quality of sex are
important to the well being of the relationship. Couples
seem to get along better and enjoy each other more when they
communicate openly and honestly about how often they want to
make love, when and where they want to make love, what positions
they like, and what type of setting they prefer during intimate
moments. Couples should keep in mind, as in the case of every
aspect of your marriage, that sexual intimacy also
provides an opportunity for making enduring and endearing
memories.
Another
significant factor in increasing the frequency of lovemaking is
in how couples relate to each other outside of the bedroom.
It is what I would like to
refer to as foreplay before the "foreplay ". Couples
must realize also that emotional touching, stroking, caressing
and nurturing outside the bedroom have a direct relationship to
the quality and the quantity of their lovemaking.
Let me suggest
to every husband that you spend a great deal of energy and
creative effort in developing an environment in which your wife feels
loved, supported, and special (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 29,
33). Surprise her with weekend rendezvous, just the two of
you. Give her a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on.
Encourage her in her personal projects. Be romantic and
affectionate - flowers, candy, cards, telephone calls during the
day, if possible. Hold hands, give body massages, affectionate
kisses and touching that do not necessarily have sexual
intercourse as the intent. Help out with household duties, and
with her, be active and responsible in the lives of your
children. Tell her often that you love her and how important she
is to you and your family. The better you know her, the better
you are able to touch her where it really counts - her heart! !.
(I Pet 3:7) When she
feels good about you, about herself, and about your life
together, the quality and the quantity of sexual intimacy will
increase.
Also, the wife must recognize the emotional component in her
husband. Though very seldom mentioned, he, too, needs emotional
touching and caressing. The husband needs to experience
and feel respect, loyally, support and that you, his wife, are
above all his number one cheerleader! At all times, in
all places, quietness, meekness, and a willingness to honor your
husband by making his desires your own, should characterize your
spirit. It is this spirit that is of great price in the eyes of
God. (Genesis 3:16, I Pet 3:1-6) Furthermore, it
goes without saying your husband is stimulated sexually by what
he hears and by what he sees. To increase sexual frequency, it
is vital that the wife makes a special effort to have
appreciative, reassuring, supportive, and affirming messages
that make her husband appreciate that she's his wife. Making
your appearance attractive and appealing will keep his eye on
you. Dress to please him. And, by all means, in moments of
intimacy, choose apparel that is sensual, sexual, and even
seductive. In that most private and intimate moment that a wife spends
with her husband, it should be remembered. When you hold
him, don't hold back!
Robert
Harper, Minister and
Christian Counselor
Highland
Heights Church of Christ
Houston,
TX.
For
Better...For Worse
Most
couples spend a great deal of energy, time, and money planning
their wedding because they want it to be the most beautiful
wedding ever. They are excited over every aspect of their
wedding plans. They want to be sure everything is perfect. This
is their special time. While it is true that couples should
adequately plan for their wedding, unfortunately, many fail to
plan for their marriage. The actual wedding ceremony itself will
last no more than 30 minutes to an hour. But the marriage is
lifelong. Therefore, a greater emphasis should be placed on
building the marriage instead of the wedding. Let me share three
ideas that hopefully can help your marriage to be "better
and not worse".
First
of all, understand that your marriage is "for keeps" -
"for better or for worse." God's original plan for
marriage is for one man, for one woman, for one lifetime. This
arrangement requires a total commitment of the total self for
the total life of your marriage. God, speaking to the permanency
of marriage said, "Therefore, shall a man leave his father
and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall
be one flesh (Genesis 2:24). The word "cleave" in the
text means to "stick together like glue". The
Christian who builds his marriage on the eternal principles of
God's word, when the storms of life come to beat down on your
house, it should be easier to stay together that to be pulled
apart (Matthew 7:24-25). This is not to say that marriage is
easy. It is to speak to your determination to work through your
difficulties in building a marriage that is "better and not
worse." See also Romans 7:1-3 and Matthew 19:9.
Secondly,
we should understand that a flexible attitude is essential in
working through personal issues in a marriage. Keep in mind that
your union is made of two "imperfect" people and that
"imperfect" people do not make perfect marriages. But,
two imperfect people who are willing to identify and admit to
the source of their "marital unrest" are then able to
make a conscious effort to be flexible, accepting and patient,
while applying the "perfect standard", God's word, to
the problems, can have a marriage that is enjoyable. Paul
realized how important it is for Christians to have a flexible
disposition, when he wrote, "...in whatsoever state I am,
therewith to be content, I know both how to be abased, and I
know how to abound: everywhere and in all things I am instructed
both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer
need. I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth
me" (Phillipians 4: 11-13). This spirit of contentment or
flexibility does not mean one is satisfied with unpleasant
circumstances. But rather, one who does all that is within his
or her power to accept the things that cannot be changed and
change the things that can be changed and always ask God for the
wisdom to know the difference. An etched in stone, unyielding,
unbending, inflexible mentality can only lead to a broken
marriage, a broken heart and broken lives.
Thirdly,
one should understand that "self-improvement" would
make marriage better, not worse. Someone has wisely observed
that the largest room in the world is the room for improvement.
Believe it or not, there's room in your life for improvement.
Most people will admit to that in private and on some occasions
give lip service to it in public.
However
the fact that many live in constant critical judgment,
fault-finding, and blame of one's spouse, leads me to believe
that they are unaware that they have faults, too, and are in
need of improvement. Those who fail to see this are truly
blinded by self-deception. Jesus said, "...first cast the
beam (tree-trunk) out of thine own eye: and then shalt thou see
clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother's (sister's)
eye" (Matthew 7:4). Self-improvement will not come easily.
It is a day-to-day challenge before all of us. However, if we
would consistently focus on the lifestyle and life improving
principles of our Lord, Christ Jesus, improving our ourselves,
though gradual, is guaranteed! (Hebrews 12:1-2 and II
Corinthians 3:18). Dr. David Mace, the renowned marriage
counselor, made an observation of which I fully concur, that
says, "There are no unhappy marriages, only marriage
partners who are immature." If spouses could develop mature
attitudes, all areas of their relationship would improve.
Therefore, let us each work hard at improving ourselves that we
may improve our marriage. Your marriage, for better or for
worse, your choice.
Are
you growing up or are you just growing old??
Robert
Harper, Minister and
Christian Counselor
Highland
Heights Church of Christ
Houston,
TX. |
